People-Pleasing Is a Form of Self-Abandonment — Here’s Why It Hurts So Much
We don’t often think of people-pleasing as a form of self-abandonment. It can look like kindness, flexibility, or even emotional intelligence. But for many, especially those with early attachment wounds, people-pleasing is less about care—and more about survival.
It’s the quiet voice that says,
“If I keep everyone else happy, maybe I’ll be safe.”
“If I don’t take up space, maybe I’ll be loved.”
“If I don’t disappoint anyone, maybe I won’t be left.”
It’s a strategy that often begins in childhood. When your needs were met with rejection, shame, or volatility, you may have learned that it was safer to disconnect from yourself than risk losing connection with someone else. That’s the root of self-abandonment—when we betray our own needs, emotions, or identity in order to preserve a sense of belonging.
The Problem With People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is exhausting. It asks you to stay attuned to everyone else’s feelings while ignoring your own. Over time, this leads to resentment, burnout, and a deep sense of disconnection from who you really are.
Clients I work with often say:
“I don’t even know what I want anymore.”
“I feel invisible, even in close relationships.”
“I say yes when I desperately want to say no.”
That disconnection from self isn’t accidental—it’s protective. But eventually, the cost of being who others want you to be outweighs the comfort of their approval.
Why Self-Abandonment Feels So Familiar
If you were taught (directly or indirectly) that love was conditional—based on your behavior, helpfulness, or emotional containment—you may have started editing yourself to be more lovable. And it worked, at least on the surface.
But as an adult, you may find yourself stuck in patterns where:
You fear conflict or being “too much.”
You struggle to name your own preferences.
You prioritize others even when it hurts you.
This isn’t about being weak or broken. It’s about having internalized the belief that your true self was not enough.
What Healing Can Look Like
Coming home to yourself begins with recognizing when you’re tempted to self-abandon. It means noticing when you override your own needs for someone else’s comfort. It means asking:
“What am I feeling right now?”
“What would I choose if I wasn’t afraid of disappointing anyone?”
“What part of me is afraid I won’t be loved if I say no?”
Healing isn’t about swinging to the other extreme and never compromising. It’s about making choices from a place of self-trust instead of fear.
You’re Allowed to Take Up Space
You were never too much. You were just trying to be enough.
People-pleasing may have helped you survive, but it’s not the path to being fully seen. True connection requires authenticity—and that starts with staying in relationship with yourself.
Interested in therapy that helps you unlearn these patterns?
As a therapist in East Nashville, I work with sensitive, intuitive, deep-feeling people who are tired of abandoning themselves to be loved. Together, we explore attachment wounds, family dynamics, and the stories that shaped your sense of worth. If you’re ready to stop shrinking yourself and start coming home to who you are, I’d be honored to walk with you.
