When Protecting the Relationship Costs You Your Sense of Self
Sometimes, it feels easier to blame ourselves than to acknowledge we’ve been hurt by someone we love.
We might think things like:
“I’m probably overreacting.”
“Maybe I’m being too sensitive.”
“I shouldn’t be so needy.”
“They didn’t mean it like that.”
And while these thoughts sound self-critical on the surface, they’re actually trying to protect us — from the pain of disappointment, betrayal, or emotional abandonment.
If we grew up in environments where our emotional needs weren’t met, where love felt conditional, or where we were shamed for having feelings, this strategy makes perfect sense. It often starts in childhood. When we depended on people we couldn’t emotionally rely on, it was safer to believe we were the problem than to face the reality that someone we needed couldn’t show up for us.
So we made ourselves smaller.
We became hyperaware.
We learned how to internalize pain instead of speak it.
But the longer we carry this coping strategy, the more damage it does to our self-worth.
It erodes our ability to trust ourselves.
To feel secure in our needs.
To say: “This hurt me.”
Without immediately following it with: “...but it’s probably my fault.”
Healing means learning to hold the truth:
That someone can matter to us, and still hurt us.
That our disappointment is valid.
That we don’t have to carry the blame to keep the connection.
You are not selfish for feeling hurt.
You are not dramatic for being impacted.
You are human.
And your pain deserves tenderness — not shame.
You’re allowed to protect your heart without abandoning what is true.
