Why We Blame Ourselves for What Others Have Done

“It’s more comforting to believe we did something wrong when we didn’t, than it is to believe people can be cruel for no reason. Because we can control what we do, but we can’t control what others do. So believing we are at fault gives us an illusion of control.”

When something painful happens — especially when it involves someone we love or trust — our minds grasp for a reason. And often, the reason we land on is ourselves.

Why? Because blaming ourselves gives us a sense of agency. If we believe we were too much, not enough, or said the wrong thing, then there’s something to fix. Something to change next time. It lets us believe we can prevent future pain.

But here’s the deeper truth:
Some people are unkind. Some people lack the capacity to treat others well. Sometimes, bad things happen that we can’t explain. And facing that truth — without a reason, without control—can feel unbearable.

So we internalize the pain. We tell ourselves it must’ve been us. We trade self-trust for a sense of safety.

The cost? Our self-worth. Our clarity. Our truth.

If you’ve found yourself stuck in cycles of self-blame, this doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your system is trying to protect you the only way it knows how: by creating a story that makes the pain feel more manageable.

But with support, you can begin to write a new story — one that honors what really happened, while holding compassion for the parts of you that needed a sense of control.

You didn’t cause it. And you don’t have to keep carrying it.